Four Week Countdown to the Close of 2014

The year is winding down, and it's amazing how much change a year can bring. I set some ambitious resolutions for 2014 and I've checked in with my progress a couple of times, once in April and again in July. I was behind then, but since then, well... in some ways the wheels came off. I still have four weeks left which makes me wonder, how close can I still get to these goals? 
I didn't set a goal for spending 
time with this girl... but we did. 

Writing Goal: Finish high school memoir draft of Notes from a High School Feminist (50,000 words) and revise YA novel: Rice Paper Superheroes. 

Progress: I finished the draft of the high school memoir: 52,000 words, but it still needs of a good deal of revision. I haven't revised Rice Paper Superheroes yet (boooo) but I did draft a new memoir in verse: Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop (30,000 words) during NaNoWriMo last month.  

Reading Goal: Read and write short annotations for 50 books in the year. 

Progress: Aaaargh! I am stuck on number 32 which means I'd need to finish a book every couple of days in order to finish in time. Realistically, I think I could still get to 40. Wish me luck.  

Publishing Goal: Submit work at least once a month and publish one blog post per week. 

Progress: I have failed tremendously here. I've only published 24 blogs (I think this is 25...) and I haven't sent out work regularly. I think I might need to set a rule for myself that I can't work on new essays/drafts until I submit something and I should really submit once a week instead of once a month in order to get some momentum. Yes. That's what I'll do for these last four weeks.  

Fitness Goal: Run 500 miles in the year. 

Progress: I changed run to walk once I got pregnant so I'm at 417 right now. 83 miles in 4 weeks is possible...

So, grief played a role in some of my falling behind. Pregnancy played some as well and last time I was pregnant my mind turned to mush as did my muscles. So at least these goals helped that from happening again. And still, I'm close and we'll see just how much I can get done in these last four weeks of 2014. 


Books! Books! Books! Titles #21-30 for 2014

Ok, so I set out to read 50 books this year which is about 30 more than I've ever read annually before, so I should feel good about getting this far. But I hate being behind! I hate that I'm not on pace to reach my goal! I'm trying not to freak out, though, and I'm still going to try to get as close to 50 as I can.

Here are my next 10 titles. It was a time to finish some series, explore new authors, and fill in some gaps (books I should have read long ago but never did).  The first 10 are here and the #11-20 are here.

21. Excavation by Wendy C. Ortiz 
In the same vein as Lolita, Ortiz explores how her world shifts when her middle school English teacher initiates a relationship with her. With occasional notes on her “excavation” as an adult, we get a break from the intense world of a teenager struggling to make sense of a life where the adults let her down. A wonderful reminder of how nonfiction can help us make sense of complex colors that shade our relationships.  

22. Insurgent by Veronica Roth 
The second book in the Divergent series picks up right where the first book ended. Tris must quickly come to terms with her own decisions and the loss of her parents. The plot moves quickly and despite some decisions and lies from Tris, the payoff at the end was worth it. 

23. Allegiant by Veronica Roth 
The third book in the Divergent series suffered from some slow pacing but I was glad I made it to the end. Although surprised by the denouement, it makes sense. So much better than the way The Hunger Games ends.

24. Inside Out and Back Again by Thanhha Lai 
This novel is verse is a book I’ll be teaching for the Engage NY Common Core lessons. Love the book. It leaves much unsaid and captures just how little I know about the Vietnam War from the Vietnamese perspective. It’s a beautiful refugee story of escape, family, and home. 

25. if i stay by Gayle Foreman 
Read this because one of my students was reading it for her summer assignment and a huge billboard went up nearby for the movie, so, why not. The hospital scenes left me wrecked, especially toward the end when her grandfather lets her go and then again when she finally decides (spoiler alert) to stay.

26. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley 
A dystopian novel set in a civilized London where thought or discontent is no longer a necessary part of life. Sex is entertainment and real connections to others is an unnecessary inconvenience. This world is set in contrast to New Mexico, where an indigenous culture exists. A savage and his mother who return to London to take in this brave new world. Parts of this were tough to get through, but I’m glad I read it to inform the modern dystopian lit I’ve read recently.

27. Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare 
I hadn’t read this comedy before and since our school is producing it this spring and our students will all be reading it, we took 75 students to see a free production in Griffith Park. A quick tutorial from a couple of colleagues, seeing the performance, and then reading it gave me strong sense of Shakespeare’s  take on the ridiculous constructs of love and gender.

28. The Tempest by William Shakespeare 
Hazel hosted a reading of this on a lovely late summer evening. I played Ariel and performed Shakespeare for the first time. It was good fun and this final work by Shakespeare still holds some of the most amazing language and story-telling. The imperialist messages still hold true 500 years later.

29. A Midsummer Night’s Dream William Shakespeare 
So after my little Shakespeare stint, I realized I hadn’t logged Midsummer which I taught and saw performed at school last winter. I need books and this counts. It’s definitely one of my favorite Shakespeare comedies and “Though she is little, she is fierce” are words to live by even though this cat-fight is over a stupid boy. 

30. The Giver by Lois Lowry I’ve been urged to read this by a former colleague for years and just never got to it. Another dystopian tale, this world is one without memory or pain. The idea of one person chosen to receive all of the world’s pain is intriguing and I’m not sure what I think of the ending. The idea of a world of sameness will haunt me for a while and I'll probably read more in this series. 

One 20 more titles to go...


First Day 2014

Today is the first day of school. I usually repost this blog with the advice my wonderful principal, Charlotte Lurchenmuller gave me years ago. I will still share it, but this year I have a lot of other thoughts on my mind.

I want to approach the year with optimism, so I'm thinking of my mom and even though this is the first time I won't share my first day of school with her, I want to recall all of the first days she made special while I was growing up.

There is an election today, to fill the vacated board seat of Marguerite LaMotte, a true advocate for students and teachers who passed late last year. I will ignore the ugly campaign of the reform movement's candidate and urge all those District 1 residents to cast ballots for Dr. George McKenna.

My school has become a charter, an LAUSD affiliated charter so not an evil corporate charter, but still.... and Emerson is in the midst of a huge construction project. This is bringing Supt. Deasy and Board Member Zimmer and the press to our campus this morning. I will ignore that dozens of workers have been on campus to make it presentable, not for our students, but for the superintendent. I will focus on my students and make it about their first day.

I will acknowledge that an unarmed eighteen-year-old Mike Brown was gunned down in Ferguson, MO a week before he should have started college. Protesters of such violence have been subject to rubber bullets and tear gas from the same police they protest. This is the reality my students face. They are subject to the discrimination of poverty and racism everyday, but today I will welcome them and hope to provide them with the skills and knowledge to fight such injustice.

I will mourn the loss of Robin Williams whose "Nanu nanu" were two of my brother's first words when he came to us from Korea. I will remember that I do not know the battles those around me face. I will try to understand everyone's potential struggle and greet them with kindness.

I'm thinking of all of my students, current and former, and I'm thinking of the teachers heading out there this morning. Have a great first day of school.


Summer Stock

Kiara contemplates summer and fall. 
Summer begins that first week of June with a farewell.

The school year comes to an abrupt end when a phone call from my sister indicates things are not going well. I need to get home. I leave my classroom a mess. There is no last day of school, no yearbook signings, no hugs from students. There is no gleeful send-off into summer.

There are ten days in Portland. Every day is trips to the hospital, hours in a critical care unit watching machines that track each heartbeat, each breath.

There are breakfasts with Dad, lunches with my brothers and sister. There are lonely trips for coffee or ice cream with the hipsters of Portland.

There is a positive pregnancy test that feels like some sort of trick life is playing on my forty-year-old body.

Things with Mom get worse, or they just don't get better. We must think about what Mom would want. Then we must advocate for her. There are decisions to make, and every conversation is a challenge. There is prayer and song, tears and silence.

We finally let go, and our family of six is brought to five.

On Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year, we hold Mom's Memorial. There is family and friends, tears and laughter. There are long moments when grief and loss overwhelm. There are
stretches of nothing.

I come home to LA and Mom is there. She is with me when I wake up Kiara in the morning. She is with me every time I sit down to the page. She is with me at the beach and in the car. She is here.

There is rain in LA this summer, but mostly beautiful days of sunshine.

The pregnancy that once felt like a trick has been confirmed and the doctor calls it a miracle. David and I watch this new life squirm on a grainy, black-and-white screen with awe.

I head back to work even though summer still shines strong and will for another couple of months. I will continue to soak in the sun, and breath in the beach air. I will cling to the memory of easy summer days.

I will hold onto summer until fall makes me forget.


Books! Books! Books! Ten more titles for 2014

I'm still behind in my reading, but here are the next ten titles I've finished this year. I sought out more writers of color and allowed myself time to read longer, denser works like Invisible ManAmericanah and A Tale for the Time Being. If you missed my first ten titles you can read about them here.

11. Girl Coming in for a Landing by April Halpern Wayland 

This novel in verse about a young girl coming of age verse is a little slight for me. Isn’t as inspiring as I find some novels in verse to be (Sonya Sones).

12. Educating Esme by Esme Codell 

This memoir of a woman’s first year teaching brought some inspiration, but like most education memoirs, they establish the teacher as an educational savior, the only shining light in a dark system, which is such a simplistic way of looking at this practice. Kind of inspiring, but mostly annoying.

13. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison 

An exhausting, devastating account of a young Black man finding his place in a shifting post civil war, pre-civil rights America. From the battle royal at the opening, through college and the mental hospital, to the northern city where labor and political organizing provide opportunities and devastation, the narrator plods on until we no longer see him.

14. Divergent by Veronica Roth 

I saw the preview for movie based on this book when I went to see The Book Thief and was intrigued. Then all of my students started reading it and insisted I join them. Dystopian YA is fun and it made me wish I’d finished my NaNoWriMo project from a few years back.  

15. Marbles by Ellen Forney 

A friend lent this to me to help me along my 50 book mission and I read it as the Trail Blazers were getting worked in the playoffs. It allowed me to trace through my sister’s journey to a bi-polar diagonsis. The connections between creativity, artistry, and mood disorders hit home with me as did the graphic novel-ness of it which captures in visuals a complex and inexplicable experience. 

16. Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 

This one took me a while, not because it wasn’t engaging, but Adichie’s other book took me about six months to finish, so taking a month for this one isn’t all that bad. I loved the conversations about race and the contemporary feel including the blogs and the way Obama’s candidacy and election did something unique for communities of color. Her modern Nigeria feels so distant from the one I read about in Half of a Yellow Sun and Adichie captures the feeling of belonging and not belonging that immigrants and Americans of color experience. 

17. My Ideal Bookshelf edited by Thessaly La Force, art by Jane Mount Really 

This is more of a coffee table book, a conversation piece, and it’s beautiful but it also has its limits. I kind of hate the pretention of lists like this and James Franco’s list exhibits this perfectly: these are the books that are acceptable as my favorites. So, I found connection with some of the lists and annoyance with others and plan to put together a list of my own every year to show how my tastes and pov change over time. 

18. The Men We Reaped by Jesmyn Ward 

I read this on board my flight to Portland as the complications with Mom’s surgery piled up. These stories of young men in Mississippi who find death too young brought me comfort during a time of intense uncertainty. Ward’s ability to capture place and character leave me in awe. She does fiction (Salvage the Bones) and nonfiction equally well.

19. A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki 

Loved this book which alternated povs between the diary of a Japanese girl who spent a good deal of time in the US, and a third person close of Ruth. She masterfully unfolds the journeys of both characters and works in all kinds of science and philosophy. It actually made me want to meditate, and study Japanese again. 

20. The Accidental Asian by Eric Liu 

I enjoyed the first two essays in these Notes from a Native Speaker, and maybe if I was Nissei, second generation, I would have related more, or if I was a guy. His perspective is definitely one of male power (as a speech writer for Clinton he definitely occupies influential spaces) but by his last few essays on New Jews and Blood Ties I’d grown weary of his perspective and found fault in some of his strategies.

I'm almost halfway to 50 and hope to have my next ten titles up at the start of September. 


Mid Year Report

Ok, I am clearly behind on my blog posts, but here's where I stand on my yearly goals so far:

I started the year with an ambitious set of goals and the year is halfway over! How am I doing?

Writing: Finish high school memoir draft (50,000 words) and revise YA novel: Rice Paper Superheroes.

Progress: Still drafting the high school memoir: 37,500 words. I'm using July as a Camp NaNoWriMo to get this done. Then I'll I need to finish drafting Rice Paper Superheroes.

Reading: Read and write short annotations for 50 books in the year.

Progress: I'm still behind. I have 19 finished and a bunch of these were long, non-YA titles so I'm ok with being a little behind. Americanah and A Tale for the Time Being were worth the extra weeks I took to read them. I still have a solid month of summer to catch up. That means 10 books this month which is ambitious, but doable.

Publishing: Submit work at least once a month and publish one blog post per week.

Progress: I suck at submitting. I don't know what I need to do to get going on this. Any suggestions? As for blog posts this is number 19 so I'm just a little behind.

Fitness: Run 500 miles in the year.

Progress: Yes! I'm ahead on this one. Granted, I'm walking most of these, but still I'm getting the miles in with 261 miles through June.

All of the goals are still within reach. Just have to keep putting in work!


Leaving it all behind

I'm a creature of habit. I love schedules and routines.
I thrive in them.
Maybe it's all of those years growing up Catholic: the repetition of mass: the sitting, kneeling, and standing, the prayers that became a chant, a childhood meditation.

Whatever the reason, it's tough for me to toss my everyday away.
Sometimes that is what life requires.
Sometimes you have to drop everything, buy a plane ticket, and leave it all behind.
Even when you want to stay, you have to leave.

I board my flight and the weightlessness makes me nauseous.
I wish I could be at school to end another year,
to share in the long goodbyes and the ceremony of graduation.
The Pomp and Circumstance.
The speeches and the reading of names.
The hugs and proud families and photos snapped
of girls dressed like young women and boys dressed like young men.
The huge smiles stuck on sweaty faces and the smear of makeup from a sloppy hug.

This year I'll miss all of it.

I am a creature of habit. I love schedules and routines,
but this year will end with my heart frayed by this awkward farewell.


Ten Things I Hope My Students Will Remember

This time of year is always a challenge for me. After all the hours I've spent working with my students, the end is suddenly upon us. I love my job, but what’s hard for me as a writer is only getting to read the opening chapters of my students’ stories. It’s like reading the Amazon preview but I can’t buy the whole book yet. We reach the end of the year together, but they are at the beginning of high school and the beginning of their young lives. They are like the opening week of NaNoWriMo, the faltering start to poems at the beginning of NaPoWriMo, the first few lines and scenes in a book. They are full of promise and expectation.

It’s exhilarating to be young. The future is an exciting and frightening unknown. My students have not yet written what will come, but they are finding their legs in this world and walking along a path unique to them. As they head off into a world that can be both beautiful and tragic, I want them to remember so much. But I know they can hardly remember to take their backpacks on their way out the door, so I better write these things down. Here are 10 things I hope my eighth graders will remember.

1) Keep writing. Maybe it’s a journal, or the beginning of a novel each November, or a few poems when you feel like the world doesn’t understand you. Maybe it’s a blog or a tumblr or tweets, but keep writing. You have a story to tell and the world needs more stories like yours. Your story might just save someone. Writing your story might save you.

2) Keep reading. Ok, for some of you this may be start reading, but hopefully you will read and read often. I hope you will read to learn, to work your brain, and to escape. Read new books and reread favorites. Read books that challenge your thinking and make you see the world differently. Talk with friends about books. Set goals for your reading and plan what books you want to read. Then, keep a list of the books you’ve read so you can say, yes, I did that.

3) Keep questioning. Think critically but not cynically. Think about the validity of your sources whether that source be an author, a teacher, a professor, a friend, a girl/boyfriend. Try to understand where people are coming from, but also decide if you agree with them. Use your critical thinking skills and establish your own independent thoughts.

4) Stay organized. Write down homework and projects and assignments every. single. day.  Clean out your binder, your backpack, your desk, your room, your closet and your mind. Keep the things you really need, but my rule is: if I haven’t used it or worn it in the past two years, it’s gone. Also, leave some space for quiet in your life so you can hear your thoughts. Close your eyes to the screens and sounds of the world and just be.

5) Keep believing. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Believe that if you work hard, you can do anything. Believe in the best version of who you are and strive for competitive greatness which Coach Wooden describes as “performing at your best when your best is required. Your best is required each day.”

6) Keep following your dreams. It is brave to hold on to the dreams of your childhood, but hold on to your dreams and make plans to get you there. If your dream is to make it to the NBA, do something every single day to help you get there. If your dream is to go to UCLA, make a plan to help you get there which might mean extra study sessions, finding a tutor or sacrificing something fun to get that school project done. Find people who can help you and continue to pursue your dream.

7) Be resilient. The world is going to tell you “No.” “You can’t.” People will doubt you and question your commitment and desire. Sometimes even those who support you will not understand or know how to help. Don’t give up. Keep pushing and pressing for what you want until life says, “Yes.”

8) Work hard. Coach Wooden says, “There is no substitute for hard work. None. Worthwhile things come only from hard work.” Some things come easier for some people. When things look easy for others, it’s often because they have spent hours working to make it appear easy. Life is not easy. Take pride in putting in work.

9) Find what you love to do and do it. Pursue it with enthusiasm and joy. 

10) Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Learn from them and keep moving forward. Be kind to those around you. Don’t judge others too harshly because if the struggle is real, everyone is in it. Be kind. 


Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

A poem for you, Mom, on Mother’s Day 2014
after Sandra Cisneros’ “Abuelito Who”

Mom who is far away
and wants me to call everyday
who is pain and worry and naps at noon
whose hair has gone gray
who tells me visit soon
who moves furniture around the room
who is hungry
is chocolate cake
is hamburger and fries
is full of sighs
who tells me never lie
who says question what you believe
who will never, ever leave. 


Forty is Starting to Look Pretty Amazing...

It's a few days away: my fortieth birthday. I've had a year, well, really 40 years to get used to the idea, but turning forty feels big. And, well, it feels old.

This is what 40 looks like.
But I love birthdays and I want to commemorate my forth decade somehow. I was really close to signing
up for the Pole, Pedal, Paddle. Ever since I was a little girl watching athletes ski, bike, paddle and run from the mountain into my home town, I've thought about doing this race. But this year, with winter barely touching Southern California and a two-year-old attached to my leg most days, I decided this wasn't my time. I thought about a trip to the desert with the girls, or a day at the spa, a pub crawl, or a party. And although all of these sounded fun, I just didn't want any of them enough to make them happen.

Then Gloria Steinem turned 80 last month and this article helped me see not only what 40 looks like, but what 80 looks like as a feminist. And hey, it looks pretty good. So many friends are marking this 40th year and you know what, we all look pretty damn good!

So, as David and I celebrated early in Portland over spring break I decided that instead of one big bash, I'd try to work in forty different celebrations. They could be small moments: an ice cream cone, a cupcake, a bowl of kettle corn, a cocktail or bigger treats that might fall in my lap (tickets to a Dodger suite). I'm fortunate to have lots of friends and family and a couple hundred students to help me celebrate, and if I need to I can count Facebook wishes or even book sales (so if you have been thinking about picking up a copy or two of Through Eyes Like Mine or Overdue Apologies this would be a lovely gift for the author). So here they are, my forty fortieth birthday celebrations so far:

1) Salt & Straw ice cream in Portland
2) Birthday dinner with the family in Portland
3) Dinner date at Toro Bravo in Portland
4) Breakfast at Mother's in Portland
5) Breakfast at O'Groats with Hazel
6) Dinner and drinks at Mexico City
7) Dinner from Mao's Kitchen with Parissa and Jeyson
8) Easter/birthday celebration with family in LA
9) Dodger Stadium suite night one
10) Dodger Stadium suite night two
11) Birthday Blog Post
12) Responses to birthday blog post :)
13) Book sales from birthday blog post :)
14) Friday family night birthday celebration
15) Lunch date at Tripel
16) Banana cream pie at Tripel
17) Breakfast at Bru's Wiffle
18) Dodger game #3
19) Dinner and drinks at Mexico City post Dodger game
20) Finishing that chocolate cake from Pit Fire...
21) Birthday morning with Kiara
22) Morning writing at The Grind with Hazel
23) Birthday banner from ESA :)
24) Birthday lunch from Poquito Mas with Mr. Gantt
25) Happy birthday from my fifth period
26) Gustavo's birthday poem for me :)
27) Birthday run on a beautiful day in LA
28) Birthday present from Soaptopia from Kiara
29) Birthday dinner at A-Frame round 1
30) Birthday dinner at A-Frame round 2
31) Birthday gift of new kicks from David
32) Facebook conversations like a big birthday party and getting to give everyone a hug :)
33) Mariah bringing me a cupcake from HotCakes
34) A visit from my parents and oldest brother and sister
35) Super cute Salt & Straw shirt from big sister
36) Surprise birthday party at Louis with friends and family
37) La Paloma from Louis, or their Grapefruit Ricky with tequila instead of gin
38) The salted caramel bread pudding from Louis
39) Surprise birthday gifts from surprise birthday party (I have uh-mazing friends)
40) Teacher appreciation week recognition I'm going to count as birthday gifts

Thanks, everyone who helped make this such a happy birthday, virtually or otherwise. What an amazing way to kick off the next decade. And if you believe, like I do, that you can never do too much birthday, I highly recommend a birthday celebration per year. You deserve it!